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By Emmanuel Williams

How the hell’d we wind up like this?

Am I happy?

Not yet!

Do you love someone?

Not yet!

I don’t even love Jesus, right now, I love porn, alcohol, and evey single fucking cigarette I have to myself.

But I don’t have a cuddle, squeeze, or… of course there’s a crush or seventeen, but who doesn’t have that?

All I know is I’m headed to New York as a Denver bachelor and I’m super debating the professional prostitutes I might run into.

I’m taking the train so along the way I’ll probably run into couples as I ride Coach, and singles who are loose and ready or travellers who are lost and ready.

And the singles who are running from men and the lost who’d rather stay that way…

I used to cruise into the Denver Greyhound Station and come up with score after score of girls with layovers who just wanted to F*- I mean S*- I mean SUPER release the tension of boredom.

There’s this one girl who I still remember as Cherry Girl who I shared a cherry Monster Energy drink with who got rammed by me in a corner of the building in the dark of the night while she was on layover from God Knows Where. I just remember tasting her pussy while she stood over me with her leg on my shoulder and how convenient doggystyle is when the girl is bent over a 2.5 ft cement wall.

But I confess.

If I could bring the topic back to the heart of the question. My love life is always lagging behind my success. 

What the fuck!

When I’m working my ass off, I can’t find any tail. But when I was homeless, I could do as I pleased. Whomever I pleased. We were all on the same level there was no hoop to jump through.

As long as we could talk, we could fuck.

I miss that. Oh God do I miss that.

I was dirty, she was dirty. There was no condom, we didn’t give a fuck. I always chose a clean girl anyway and I’ve never had an STD to this day.

But I’ve never been married.

I’ve had several girlfriends.

One got me hooked on cigarettes and was the first gf to crave anal sex from me.

Another came to my apartment just so I COULD give her anal sex and she gave me a child and let her lesbian parents raise it instead of me.

AND SHE WAS IRISH.

I have a half-Irish son out there! Black guys never get so lucky! (pun intended)

Another girl I met while homeless gave me head on the bank of a river in broad daylight. She would fuck me anywhere day or night. But when I tried to go down on her I tasted a tang I didn’t agree with. Turned out she was banging her ex and I at the same time. But she knew enough math to claim I was the father of a newborn baby.

There was a paternity test. I am the father.

While he was a newborn, she went loony at a rec center alone with him and neither one of us was sober so we lost the boy to family on her side.

I have two children I can’t raise. Boys. 

I still want a daughter. Maybe I’ll raise a proper woman.

Will I find a new mother?

I’m 37 and I’m feeling old. 

I’ve known more heartbreak than I can fit into one blog post. 

Maybe someday I’ll write the best horror story ever: the story of my heart.

Holy shit that might actually be fascinating… I’ll be right back.