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By Emmanuel Williams

May 24, 2026

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I don’t believe this. I come in to work and there’s already puke in six cabs. You know who has to clean this up? Me. 

Every alien in the Surloch system uses these interplanetary roller coasters and they don’t know how mich this socks because none of them are from Earth.

You know how long it’s been since I’ve seen a real human?

Two decades. 

This cat’s going to have to go into decommission. You could swim in that backseat.

I’ve been on the lookout for a ride back to earth on one of the ships headed in that direction. I would hop in one of these coasters if they could make the trip. 

“Hey Phil, we need you to take pod 1 out to Mainkore and dock it for 20 pounds, can you handle that?”

My boss thinks I’m a pin cushion but I’m gonna do it. I need the money, I’m saving for my own ship.

But when I get to Mainkore, I’m wrangled into the bar by an old pal from the planet Kelis. Where he tells me that because of a rare global pandemic, no one wants to go near Earth. 

“Bartender, another here, please.”

After a period of drowning my sorrows, my buddy returns from a phone call and says he has to actually head to Earth anyway. He’s transporting medical supplies in an attempt to find a vaccine for the virus there.

Seizing my opportunity, I attack him profusely.

“Man, I will give you every cent I have saved if you’ll get me to earth and leave me there.”

He looks at me. And I’m wearing the puppy dog eyes my mother gave me when I was born.

“Why not. You’ve always been useful crew. What about your job though?”

“The way I see it, soon as that cab gets back we have a free ride to wherever your ship is. And we can keep it for when I enter Earth’s atmosphere.”

“Well then welcome aboard. Here’s to Earth, ya bastard!”

“To earth, bitches!! I’m finally going home!

…I just hope to God that the cab is returned with a tolerable amount of feces in it.”

“Fe– what??”