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By Emmanuel Williams

A piece of me…

Beyond triggers…

“Evil will always be easy,

Good will always be difficult,

Happiness is resilient.”

• Emmanuel Williams (Based mostly on Anne Rice’s “Interview with the Vampire”, first pages)

Which translates to commonality growing among triggers. Triggers are common. It’s naive to think otherwise.

Youthful.

Pollyannaish…

I want something that is me. And only me. A piece of me that will always be accessible if triggers are everywhere, common, and frequent.

I don’t have a sword. This isn’t Westeros.

I don’t have kryptonian blood or skin. This isn’t Krypton. (Or even Metropolis.)

I don’t have a bat cave to keep all the tools from Research and Development at my father’s company he left me when he done went and got moydud…

FML.

But I do have my art.

I do have that…

I have my capacity to put words together in an articulate manner correctly describing the beauty of truth, imagination, and what’s wrong with my world.

But I don’t want an external weapon. This has to be internal.

My therapist (whoever the next might be) would want no less. My psychiatric nurse isn’t going to be impressed with any less. My father would want me to know for sure what the weapon was and where it would be when I got triggered. Which is often, as we are discussing.

Do I always have paper? No.

Do I have a phone 24/7? No. I could be in bed when I decide to go score some smack, speed, or weed.

I could be stuck on my own porch as a happy couple walks by infatuated with each other. Knowing I just want a girl as pretty as that.

Loneliness. Another trigger. My biggest really.

But as I said when I quoted myself here in this piece, “Happiness is resilient”. 

Therefore, these zealous and furious jealousies of couples is a sharp reminder that happiness returns, happiness will come back, happiness is always going to daringly show itself to you whether you have it or not. 

Because happiness is strong. Happiness is too sought. Happiness will not die.

So it will come back to you. Why should it not? 

I know for a fact I’ve worked excruciatingly hard for how Good I’ve become. Goodness isn’t born, it’s made.

“By steel and by suffering.” – Val Kilmer, Alexander (2004)

I’ve suffered.

I don’t know the Iron Price (Westeros) by war or by honor. 

But I’ve lived long enough to know how much my heart can break. How much pain I can take, and that which I will never be able to stomach.

I pray enough to be able to spot my weaknesses.

Love is one.

Triggers are manageable compared.

But as long as Happiness is Resilient, I will survive.

So what is my weapon?

It isn’t love! Love is fleeting. Fickle and infuriating. If it lasts, there’s reason to put in that work for what is Good. I don’t have that yet. Never found it.

But I’ve been ready for a dozen years.

That’s right. I’ve been ready for a bride for 12+ years. In that time, only 2 have been on the threshold of a proposal. One actually got one.

Don’t think I don’t believe in everlasting love, devotion, loyalty, and family.

All these beautiful, gorgeous, thick ass bitches, and I didn’t want to make any one of them permanently family???

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

But eternity is not built on skin alone.

Or physique…

Or a moment of compassion…

Compassion is for Christians.

Passion is for Lovers.

Does this give me any weapon against the strength of triggers?

Yes!

Yes!

It is not over!!!

But that is not good enough.

Two of a kind? Granted, it’s brilliant, but is it a WEAPON?

Is love a weapon?

If my own heart could remember that happiness is just BEING resilient in the couples I see, then yes, love is a weapon.

I don’t have a better sword.

To what? Cut down every hot chick’s boyfriend?

PLEASE.

I’m not compatible with every hot chick.

I still recognize that two of a kind beats a card alone.

3 of clubs? Useless.

A pair of 3 of clubs?

Better chances.

Of course, any flush, a high Ace with a King (model with a celebrity), a pair of Queens (gay men or gay women)…

And maybe I’m not a 3 of clubs, maybe I’m a Jack of Hearts looking to snake the Queen of Hearts from the King of Hearts…

And THAT’S THE PROBLEM.

WHEN I’M NOT THE KING, I’M THE JACK! AND I WANT THE QUEEN SO GODDAMN BAD!!!

I haven’t actually been demoted, so I’m still the KING OF HEARTS.

And maybe I’m not looking for two of a kind. I wouldn’t want the KING OF SPADES, CLUBS, or DIAMONDS just to fulfill a true two of a kind.

I want a legitimate king and queen.

The true problem is giving the QUEEN’S CROWN to every thick sexy pair of legs or shiny tits that crosses my single path.

But if I live within my true means, I am more than the JACK OF HEARTS. I am the rightful and legitimate KING OF HEARTS.

My QUEEN is simple shuffled in the deck.

My only weapon is the ACE OF HEARTS as I await the selection, courtship, and eventual romantic realization of the QUEEN OF HEARTS as belonging with her king.

There are the birds and the bees. The bees sting wildly and without preference. Don’t be alarmed when they get you, although that is easier said than done.

Just be kind to the birds and eventually they will bless you.

In conclusion, two of a kind can last forever. But royalty is a tough road you can only sustain with honor and patience.

Settle if you want, but my QUEEN exists.

The KING OF HEARTS has spoken…